Reset Your Marriage

All of us want great relationships.  

The pandemic has put pressure on all relationships: Parents, children, marriages, friendships, work relationships, and family relationships. Now is a great time to step back and intentionally look at our relationships and practical ways to reset.    

CHANGE YOUR DEFINITION OF LOVE  

Biblically, love has a different definition than other ways we use the word love. I love tennis, I love seafood, I love college basketball. I love my wife. I use the same word for tennis, seafood, college basketball and Alta Lynn. Obviously, we use the word love for all sorts of situations.  

The Biblical definition of love is something we know intuitively. Here’s a question: If you’re going to have a loving relationship, what qualities does it have to have? We would say things like trust, respect, selflessness, sacrifice–all could be part of the list. But all of that list and any other list we come up with are made up of choices, not emotions.  

The Biblical definition of love: Love is a choice. Love is action.  

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

These verses remind us: Love is a choice. Make choices and love follows. In these verses there are 13 choices and 1 emotion. Love is a choice. Where did that come from? The Bible? Yes, but also The Bachelor.  

The Bachelor is a show that has gone something like 25 seasons now. Here’s what they do: One chisel-faced, good-looking bachelor and 30 women get put in a mansion none of them could afford. And then people tune in each week to see how they can fall in love. See if they are in love. Not that I watch that show. All the females in my family do and I might have accidentally watched the show just to support them periodically. After about four weeks, there are about 15 women in love with 1 guy. The guy keeps making choices and eliminating women, but he struggles because he’s fallen in love with all of them. Set up a mansion, dress up, make everything romantic, focus on love, and hearts follow.  

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It might involve sacrifice. Love is a choice.  

CHOOSE TO PUT THEM FIRST 

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,  then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”       Philippians 2:1-3 (NIV)

God has made choices toward you and me. He has forgiven us, He has shown grace to us, and has given us mercy. All of these are choices God has made toward us. He went first. We are to follow our Heavenly Father’s example and go first in our relationships.  

It is like the quote: “Marriage is a lot like an escalator, it may feel like you are standing still, but you’re either going up or down.” Where are your relationships heading? You go first.  

EVERY MARRIAGE WILL HAVE TROUBLES – WHAT WILL YOU DO?  

Marriage consists of two sinners in a relationship, two messy people–there will be struggles. These troubles come in all sorts of shapes and sizes: Money issues, in-law issues, loss of job/finances, all kinds of issues.

For years, I heard couples talk about the problems that came their way. Then it hit me–everybody has problems in their marriage, in their relationships. No one is exempt.  But here was the question: Why did some problems derail the marriage and some marriages with the same problem work through the issue?  

The answer was: Building a strong foundation spiritually, through sometimes small everyday choices - toward God, toward loving actions, toward caring actions - builds a strong enough foundation to overcome the problems and challenges that a marriage will face eventually.  

A relationship has to be built. Some of you are dealing with hurt, pain, or rejection, and if that’s you I want you to get some help. Find a Christian counselor, seek help. Bottom line: Fight for your relationship.  

Love is a choice, not a feeling.